This purging has also made me aware of the simultaneous blessings I am experiencing as my child throws his twentieth fit of the day. He is healthy (he's got a pair of healthy lungs, that's for damn sure) and so am I. He maybe be eating pizza, but at least he is eating. He screams, but he makes eye contact and connects. He is expressing his feelings and I know there are parents that long for that glimpse of emotional life in their child. Regardless of the consciousness I have of my blessings, I still need to confront this ugliness that I am not enough in my mind.
So, since it felt so good the first time, I thought I might confess some more. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to my moans and groans. Here we go.
I WILL GIVE MY CHILD AN iPHONE, iPAD, iANYTHING IN ORDER TO KEEP THE PEACE. TIME ALLOWED ON SUCH DEVICES ISN'T EVEN AN ISSUE. HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Wow. This really does feel good.
So, I bought my husband an iPad a couple of Christmases ago. We both loved it. Especially for music and as a backup for our pictures on the computer. We put ONE app on it for our son. At the time, he was just one. We went on vacation to Mexico and on the flight, my husband showed him how the application worked. My son was thrilled. He loved touching something and making it work. He could control his little universe. This well-seasoned flyer really didn't need the iPad for entertainment at this time. He was usually lulled right to sleep when the engines started. I think my husband wanted something to do so he taught our one year old how to navigate his dancing monkey application.
Cut to 2 days into our lovely vacation. My husband (Daniel) and I are on our bed, chatting while the 2 year old (Conley) is playing with some toys on the floor. We can't really see him because we are lying down, but we hear him open the iPad. I mean to say, unlock the iPad. Now, how he's figured out to do that, I will never know, but he has. His little one year old paw pushed and slid the right buttons the right way to open his application. He contently played on the it for 20 minutes, as we laid there, not making an f-ing sound to see how long he could entertain himself. My husband says to me, "Wow. This could be just the thing to give you a break in your day." (warning!) Now, I have forgotten to mention that I was newly pregnant (code for sick, irritable, and a total bitch) with our second AND planning our wedding (we did things a little out of order) at this time. I had just been given a green light to hand our iPad to our child so that I may "have a break." After our trip, we downloaded more applications and my son was off and running (well, running his fingers) while I sat, eating my twelfth cookie.
I planned our destination wedding in just a couple of months which required phone calls and emails, pretty much daily. In the morning after fighting my nausea, I would hand Conley the iPad and I would get to work. It was perfect. We started taking it with us when we would go to restaurants. My child was perfectly behaved, as long as we had the device. I thought, "This is genius. What did parents do before this thing was created?"
Then I read a post on Facebook..
"Are parents unable to parent their kids anymore? I go to restaurants and all I see are toddlers on iPads."
My ego was shot. I AM A HORRIBLE MOTHER. Now mind you, this asswipe that wrote the post is a MAN without CHILDREN, but I still felt like I was somehow damaging my child and that I am incapable of nurturing a creative environment for him. I could leave him for a good couple of hours on an iPad and I have done that, many times (wow, this confession thing is goooood.) and now my child has mornings where he wakes up, eyes still closed, yawping from the deepest part of this perfect toddler body, "BIRRRRRRRRRDDDDSSSS" (He's currently obsessed with Angry Birds.) Is he destined to have ADD or ADHD or some other behavioral problem because I want to check yahoo or eat my spaghetti in peace?
I think these thoughts and then I am reminded of a very special day. When we were in KC visiting my folks when Conley was 18 months, we went to see my dad at his office. He's a physician and on the wall was an eye chart. My son, who didn't talk much at all, pointed to and said the letters on the chart. He couldn't say most of them, but then when I noticed what was happening, I would ask him to point to a particular letter and he would do so without hesitation. Now, I would love to tell you that I had been teaching my son the alphabet by using flashcards or puzzles or whatever it is perfect moms use to teach their kids letters, but I hadn't been doing a thing. I was big and pregnant. I was lucky if I got off the couch to walk him to the park for some sunshine. But my son knew all of his letters. And he learned them from pbs.org downloaded on the iPad. My son also knew his numbers and colors, all taught to him by his friends on Sesame Street. ( another site that I love that was recommended to me by a teacher is starfall.com (it might be .org) at any rate, it's awesome.)
A friend of mine said that today's iPad kids have been called "natives." They seem to have been born with the abilities to work all devices. I see it in my 9 month old. He will take my phone and slide his fingers across it to make it "dance." When this happens, I don't think, "Wow. That's kind of cool." I think about all of those mothers out there that finger paint and sculpt and how terrible I must seem to them. I don't like to paint and I certainly can't sculpt. I wonder how much I am hurting him because of my own deficiencies. (the ego is a bitch, isn't she? do you see how "in my own way" I have become? I am so freakin' self-obsessed!)
And television, forget about it. All of those books say that you shouldn't let your child watch any TV until age 2. Well, I screwed up there because by age 2, my son and I knew the theme songs to Curious George and Super Why, every character on Mickey Mouse Club and became obsessed with the 3 special steps Special Agent OSO had to make each episode. My newest boy, he's a big George fan, too.
I LET MY KIDS WATCH TV. A LOT OF TV.
Does this actually make me a bad parent? I think it does if I ignore them and don't engage them. But I do. I participate. It might be by asking my son what color Oscar the Grouch is (he's green, btw), but I do play-in. How do I forgive myself for not being the arts and crafts kindergarden teacher? I suck at arts and crafts. But I'm really good at snuggles. and kisses. and sillies. Will that be enough? Have I done some permanent damage? Does it matter? I love my kids and they love me. My son has learned so much from technology. And I have been able to breathe because of technology. And I have to be ok with this despite Martha Stewart's tisk tisk in my head.
So, Thank you, Steve Jobs, Jim Henson, and public television. You are helping me to raise my bright, beautiful sons and keeping me sane.
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