2's Company, 4's a Mosh Pit

When I was just starting out babysitting in my preteen years, I would occasionally watch a little boy, Mark. He was a darling kid around the age of 3. The very first time I watched him, my brother came along for moral support. Mark was well behaved and mild mannered. He didn't have separation anxiety, he simply wanted his toys and books. My brother and I just kind of sat there as Mark did his thing. And then the cuckoo clock chimed. One o'clock. Mark looked up from his Legos and said, "nap-time." My brother and I glanced at each other. Mark got up from his pit of toys and headed up the stairs. He got into his bed, laid down, closed his eyes and in minutes, fell fast asleep.
"Really? That's it? That's all we have to do? I like babysitting," I thought.
Of course, I soon realized that Mark was not the norm. With other kids,  I had to bribe bedtimes with ice cream or bath times with chocolate. I would chase the occasional child around the house to get them to climb into bed. I understood that getting a little human to sleep in their own bed was not as easy as it seemed with Mark.
Some years later, I vowed that if I ever became a mother, I would "train" my child. He would have a 1PM nap time and a 7:30PM bedtime. He would have a blanket and his favorite book to lull him to dreamland in his little airplane shaped bed in his little airplane room.  My husband and I would then put on soft music, light candles, and share our dinner. We would cuddle as we watched TV. After falling asleep on the couch in each other's arms, we would wake and walk sleepily into our bedroom to make love all night. And that's exactly what happened.

BAAAAWWHHAAAAAAHHAAAAAAA!!!!

Cut to the night before last:
My two children are up at 11PM as The Rolling Stones sing,"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at full volume. The oldest has had dessert (s) and stories. The youngest has had a bath and the boob. Neither of them had any interest of going to bed. And the best part of this story, they sleep in our bed. Both of them. Sleep. In. Our. Bed.

I have a hate/love relationship with our "family bed."

I would love to tell you that we had every intention of having a family bed from the start of my pregnancy, that we had read all of the books and wanted to go in the "attachment parenting" direction. I would love to tell you that it came from a philosophical place of believing that it would be best for the child. NOPE. Not even close. Sleep. It came from the need for sleep. One night, I brought the baby into the bed to breast feed and we both feel asleep. Neither of us woke up for eight hours. From that moment on, our beautifully jungle-themed nursery became an exhibit for the Natural History Museum of "where an American Child WOULD sleep".
Conley was 3 months old when he inhabited our bed and I had every intention of getting him back into the crib, but it just never happened. I told a friend of mine that he was sleeping in our bed and she furrowed her eyebrows, clicked her tongue and hissed, "bad girl." I had been getting up every 1.5 -2 hours, nursing and rocking, nursing and rocking. I was a zombie. I did what I thought was best. Was I wrong?

THE FAMILY BED PROS
cuddles
sleep
builds trust and security
seeing their sweet faces first thing and hearing "good morning, Momma. I love you."
creative solutions for "adult time" with hubby

THE FAMILY BED CONS
no "adult" time with hubby
no room in the bed
the argument that it creates need and insecurity

Another reason we "chose" the family bed is that I was (and still am) too weak to do the "cry it out" method. I have supermom ears. I hear everything and when Conley was first born, I could detect any change in breathing. Forget about crying. I couldn't bear it.
See, my new motherhood had been colored by one of the most tragic events of my life. A dear friend lost her daughter to SIDS. I used to think of her every night, but when I became a mother, it was every minute. I had no idea the amount of pain she must have felt until I had a child of my own. Even now, I can't even comprehend it. It made me so scared. I couldn't just let Conley cry alone. I couldn't stay in bed as he screamed. I wanted him close. I needed to feel him breathe.
And now, I love to feel Holden's breath and my face and Conley's elbow in my ribcage. Most nights. Other nights, I just want to put them both into their own beds, give them just a little NyQuil, close the door, and snuggle in with my husband.
OH, yeah. HIS opinion of all of this??
He will rage about it one minute and coo about it the next. He'll be so frustrated that we are not alone and then ramble on about how blessed we are to have two snuggle monkeys intertwined with us. My husband said one of the most beautiful things about the family bed. I was struggling when Holden was born because I wasn't spending as much time as I wanted to with Conley. I thought that he was feeling that we weren't a family because Daddy was taking him out to the park/to dinner/ to the museum while Momma stayed home with the baby. Daniel said that Conley knows we are a family because we sleep in the same bed for 8-10 hours a night. Even though we are unconscious, Conley feels how connected we are to each other. That gave me peace.
But peace I did not have the other night when the two would not go to sleep. I kept thinking, "Why didn't I let them cry it out!? They are going to be in our beds until they're seniors in high school." That's me, living in the day.
My husband also saved our marriage ;) when he woke up one morning and said,"I am buying a king size mattress RIGHT NOW." He got up and ready to go, dressed Conley, and took him in a cab to pick out a mattress for the family. Then called friends that were expecting a son in June to come to our apartment and pick up a crib, rocking chair, and huge box of baby clothes for a very low price. Our Natural History Museum exhibit was dismantled and our queen mattress was moved into the nursery. (Now, he almost ended our marriage when he picked out the bedding for the new king, but we fixed that quickly.) The nursery is now "Conley's room" and he loves it. He falls asleep in the bed, wakes up around 4 or 5 in the morning and comes to cuddle with us. Funny. When you make room, something will fill the space. Conley saw an empty space and filled it.  Maybe, he won't be in our bed come graduation.

I am horrible at keeping a schedule for my kids. Bedtime has a 3 hour window. 

I also have a hate/love relationship with schedules. I crave them and despise them. I am insanely jealous and simultaneously repulsed by the regime keepers. By this I mean:

We eat chow at 0700
Followed by a diaper change and puzzle time
at 1000, we hit the playground, doing slides followed by an intense round of swings and monkeybars.
at 1200, we meet back at the mess hall for some lunch and diaper change
at 1300, it's nap time.
1500, an alarm will sound. Diaper change and then Music will be played for exactly 45 minutes.
1600, snack.
1630, DVD
1800 delicious, healthy, homemade dinner with family
1900 bathtime
1930 diaper, pajamas and bed time story
1945 child hits the hay

I want it, I do. And from everything I've read, "they" say that a child craves discipline and order. I think that is true, but there is something to be said for a little independence and choice.
The fact that Conley could sleep anywhere, any time, saved us when we would travel which seemed to be a lot in his first year. He could hang with us in Europe or swim with us in Cabo without going through a traumatic adjustment period. Sometimes, he would go to bed at 10PM and then wake up at 10AM. It was actually pretty lovely.
But see my ego wants to be a schedule keeper to impress other parents.  I would like to tell a babysitter, "put him down for his nap at one," and know that he will go to bed. I would like to share with our friends and Conley's teachers, "he goes to bed at 7:30." This is truly not the case today.  I hang my head low if we stroll the kids through the neighborhood past 8PM, shameful that my children are still awake. It doesn't matter if they wake up early, go to school, play outside, or the opposite. Their sleep schedule is completely unpredictable.
Part of this unpredictability is laziness. I will not deny this. I need to create the discipline for our family and instruct a boot camp and honestly, I just don't want to do that. It's too much work. Just for today, I have to be alright with knowing a nap will be taken, eventually, and both babies will sleep for the night, soon enough.

For now, a family bed works and a relaxed (that's what I'll call it) schedule is OK.
Check with me in a couple decades or so. I'll let you know if my kids have turned into needy, insecure, undisciplined hellions or the next Bill Gates (it's always one extreme or the other, isn't it?! A criminal or the President. It's never just an accountant for a small firm in the suburbs.)

This entry was a little schizo because I am up and down about our family bed and schedules.  I see the benefits and downfalls of our decisions daily and it makes for a little crazy.
Hope you enjoyed the ride.