He gets that conniving and smug, but somehow still adorable look on his face.
You've already told him twice not to "hit your brother", "throw the ball in the house" or "say that word".
Your stern voice proclaims the warning and despite your impressive pipes, the forbidden action ensues.
You now must follow through with the threat. Picking up your maniacal toddler, you place him in his makeshift cell. You've called it. It's here.
TIME OUT.
Now, I read somewhere that I am supposed to put my 2 year old in Time Out for 2 minutes, one minute for each year. And it's kind of amazing how my child will turn his energy around and "apologize" within this time frame. He will sit and look around the room, naming each object he sees or what color the walls are. If particularly defiant, he will kick the chair or hit the counter top as he is calming down. But always after the timer beeps and his the cuffs are unlocked, I'll ask him why he was in jail and he won't have an answer for me, but then he will say in the most heart squishing voice possible, "I sorry, Momma." He'll jump down from his chair and go kiss his brother. Ah, harmony is restored- for about 5 minutes.
What I have been experiencing lately is that my son doesn't really need the Time Out. I do. When he is onry or particularly challenging, my voice will get too loud or my grip around his wrists a little too tight. Instead of taking a breath and understanding that I am the adult and he is the toddler or that he is the student and I am the teacher, I will throw a fit and express my frustration.
I AM IN NEED OF A TIME OUT, USUALLY SEVERAL A DAY
I'm 40, so in a 40 minute time out, could I turn my mood from bad to good, my rage to peace?
Wouldn't that be lovely?! "Sorry, boys! Momma needs a Time Out. You go ahead and fold your laundry and fix your lunch. I am going to breathe for 40 minutes, maybe meditate, do my nails, and afterwards, I will hug and kiss you after I apologize for my grotesque behavior."
I'd love to call Time Out when I am "disagreeing with" my husband. Just say, "I need some time to sit alone to regroup. Let's table this for when I am calm."
It's really not that bad of an idea.
The 40 minutes would have to be shaved down to maybe the 2 minutes, but I think I really need to take a break when I start to feel my frustration boil. It is beginning to scare me, well, all of us.
I didn't know that I had a temper until I had children. I had always been the baby. I always got what I needed when I needed it. I never had anyone tell me that what I was doing wasn't right or not good enough. I kept myself small so that I could keep my feelings small. Now that my life is so big and so beautiful, I am like a scared little cat and I just hiss when it feels threatened. My emotions are too big. I don't want my world to collapse and when my child is screaming from the top of his lungs because he didn't get to flush the toilet 4 times, it feels like it will and I will not survive.
Is that an ego thing? That because my child is not behaving a certain way, it must be a bad reflection of me? Is that what I need to use the Time Out for? To check my ego and go to the love?
I think it's more than that. I'm scared that I won't know how to help my child. That I won't be able to teach him the right way to express his precious emotions. That he is reflecting my own uncontrollable frustration and anger. I am scared that even when I say, in a soft soothing voice, "Conley, please don't throw your toys, " he's only taking note of the times I lose my cool.
I also know that I have been without my tribe, my California/Kansas folk for too many years now. I miss having close friends and with that, I miss being able to emote at someone other than my husband. I miss the understanding that only a good girlfriend over a cup of coffee can give.
I miss my family at places like Molly's on Saturday and the Log Cabin. I had long, luxurious Time Outs at these places. I could really use a dose of your love, here in NYC.
So, what should I do now when I am behaving like the child?
The next time I feel the bubble up of upset making it's way to the surface, I am going to announce that I am going into a Time Out. I'll immediately sit in our Time Out chair and just pause. Pause and breathe.
"This too shall pass." It may not be a pedicure, but it will serve its purpose. To put simply, it will keep me sane.
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